A Series of Slow Losses

My brother went into the hospital in mid-November. He died on December 1st at only 40 years old. One thing you never want to write as a family member is someone's obituary.

My husband and I put up Christmas decorations yesterday. It was nice, and yet complicated. I didn't even want to put them up. How can it feel like the holidays right now? My oldest brother and I are going through the motions. Our baby brother doesn't even want to get out of bed.

I got my Christmas cards done, nineteen of them by last count. I won't put Tony's name on one this year... I won't wrap the things I bought him. This is only the second holiday season without mom, and now we have to make it through without our brother. 

We are still going to have our Christmas Eve tradition. My heart-sister, oldest and youngest brothers, husband, and nephew will be around me. But it will feel emptier... even as we hold on tighter. We (on my side of the family) are the only ones left; we have no cousins, grandparents, or uncles/aunts.

If you love someone, grief for one of you is the ultimate result. Love fierce enough to make the pain worth it.