Friday, April 29, 2011

Showing My Revisions for a PAD Poem

Just warning you: This is one of the worst poems I have written for the PAD.
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Original Poem:

You keep frogs under your bed in jars
Their croaking helps you sleep

Have lightning bugs cupped in your palms

And claim that they are stars


An army of teddy bears sit upon a shelf
I hear you talking to them when you're by yourself


I know you often invite my cat for tea

I sit here simply amazed that you're 43

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1. Rhyme pattern isn’t an established pattern because it changes in the second stanza and never reverts back.
2. The first four lines are clunky compared to the rest of the poem.
How to fix: Make four lines into two with rhyme pattern and slim them down.

You keep frogs under your bed in jars
Hold lightning bugs and claim they are stars


Is still too clunky

So.. You keep frogs in glass jars
Claim lightning bugs are stars


Is much better but now they don’t fit with the rest of the lines because they’re longer so we have an option.

1. Inflate those first lines or
2. Shorten other lines

I would choose to shorten the other lines, if possible. Never try to inflate lines as words are precious. So we’re done with the first two lines, let’s take the second two.

Teddy bears sit upon a shelf
You talk to them when by yourself


They work out well because they are similar in syllables. Do they keep your original meaning? Yes, but I want ownership of the teddy bears so I am going to add YOUR before I move on.

Your teddy bears sit upon a shelf

Now to the last two lines

No, my cat can’t go to tea **Switching "for" to "to" here for clarity reasons.
Are you really 43?

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The first line is different in its intent than the way it was before. Is it better this way? Perhaps because it insists the narrator isn’t happy with a strange person having anything to do with their cat.

The last line insists the narrator doesn’t believe the person’s age. But is it better to say:

Are you sure you’re 43?

I like that line better for some reason, maybe length-wise. So now the poem reads:

You keep frogs in glass jars
Claim lightning bugs are stars


Your teddy bears sit upon a shelf
You talk to them when by yourself


No, my cat can’t go for tea
Are you sure you’re 43?


Finished! I still don’t like it but it is better than it was. If you have questions, please let me know. I tried to be detailed in why I changed everything and how. The poem still has no name but I don't know if it needs one, as I am not going to keep it.

2 comments:

  1. Revisions - such fun. That's why I have no hair. lol
    I love this poem and what you're doing with it.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I tried to keep this poem fun and I think the revisions at least stay true to it.

    Oh, I know what you mean about revisions! They are the worst part for me. Well, almost the worst thing.

    ReplyDelete