Poem Deconstruct

Today, I'm sharing one of my rough drafts (and what I consider wrong with it). The piece has no title.  I won't be revising it.
Hold onto this, there is no lightness. Careful.
Dappled weight shifts on you the way
seeing your mother as a woman for the first
time rocks you.  Igneous, your ignorance 
astounds.  How she looks now, waiting
for your father who will never come.
She is red-cheek rouged.  Signalling
a lover to fly to her nest.  A myna bird
swoops into the absent place and settles.
His laugh, like your father's, just more caustic.*
His clothes, replace your father's in the closet.*
Careful, hold onto this.  Ashes are heavy.

Hold onto what?  The answer comes at the end (the father's ashes).  However, the poem sliding from command to conversation doesn't transition smoothly.  Rewording this or italicizing may help.

This may sound clever, but it doesn't make sense.

The narrator starts describing the mother waiting for the father's return.  Then, in the very next line, the mother is wearing cosmetics and looking for a replacement guy.  It shouldn't be so abrupt.  There is no indication of time passing.

The lack of stanzas isn't the best idea for this poem.

Some of the commas are misplaced/confusing.  Sentence fragments distract and disturb the pace.

*A pattern starts and fizzles.

The last line fits, but it might leave some readers scratching their heads.  What ashes?  If the narrator would say "his ashes", the reader would wonder if the ashes belong to the subject's father or stepfather.


  1. This is really interesting. It's cool to get a little insight into your thinking and process. "His clothes replace your father's in the closet" is a strong line. Maybe you can save it for something else!

    1. Thank you!
      I always considered doing this, but I thought it would be boring. I probably leave some of these issues in poems I'm supposedly "done" with, so perhaps this post will be more confusing as time goes on.