Confusion of a Downcast Writer

I never thought I'd be the one waiting for an acceptance to tell me I was good enough.
I never thought it possible to think about quitting writing.
I never believed I would deviate from my path.
I never believed how much I struggle now just to keep going.
I wonder how many people have walked away never to return.
I ponder just how many of the people that left, were truly wonderful.

I just keep thinking it won't last forever. I tell myself I have felt like this before that EVERYONE has felt like this before. It doesn't make me feel as good as it should.
When was fun measured by acceptance? I don't know. Writing is still fun but I am beginning to think of it in terms of how much editors enjoy what I write. I don't let strangers dictate any OTHER aspect of my life so why this one?

I think I was better as a teenager than I am now but the logical part of me insists it isn't true. I was more confident, cocky as a teenager and I honestly see that as the difference. Then, a rejection meant they didn't see just how awesome I was. Now, a rejection is seen as them pointing their fingers at me and quietly willing me to drop my pen.
So much of my time is wasted by measuring myself against this standard of acceptance. Maybe the acceptance I should be seeking is what I give myself. My inner critic is the harshest voice I have ever known. If someone silences me, it will end up being me. This realization, however, doesn't make it easier.

What if I woke up tomorrow and told myself I was an excellent writer? What if I forget the steps and just move to the rhythm? What if I forget what anyone else thinks and just make a great, beautiful tangle of words and sound?

What if I am the most scared that I will, someday, be as good as I want to be?
Perhaps I think too much...


  1. I hear ya babe!

    All we can do is the best we can do. Keep getting better, keep writing, keep enjoying it.

    Hopefully everything else will fall in line.

  2. Hey Jennifer! I've missed you! Been meaning to get over and check up on you but my blogging has been so sporadic. After moving houses twice and trying to keep up with everything else, man, I just fell behind.
    But so nice to see you back. And I see you were sick. Sorry to hear that, but glad you're feeling better. I know just what you mean here. There has to be some kind of measuring stick to make sure our writing is read-worthy, but gosh I feel like I'm writing to please agents/editors most of the time instead of general readers. It's crazy. I think we crave validation as writers... and when we find that person(s) who believes in us and our work, it's then that we can lift up our heads and press on. Which is kinda sad, cuz we should believe in ourselves... but we're cursed with the self-doubt of wondering if we secretly suck. lol
    Oh well, all we can do is keep trying, right? If we reach just one person, then it's all worth it. I guess that's why they say write your story for one person. Makes sense. Everything else just falls into place. (I'm hoping anyway)

  3. Jennifer, you're in my head! I could have written this post -- probably not as succinctly though!

    When I was a teenager I wrote prolifically, and I loved everything that I wrote because I had enjoyed its creation so much. Now my writing is better, but I'm a lot more critical. I pick holes in what I've written because I want it to be the best it can. Sometimes I pick so many holes in it that I think the whole thing is useless.

    But, when it comes down to it, I could never stop writing. And I think that's the thing to remember. I'm doing this because I love it, even if some days I forget that! When all else fails, it's always fund to run at least two projects at once: the professional, polished one, and the just-for-pleasure one. You'll probably find that it's the just-for-pleasure one that has the most potential in the end.

  4. A writer should never do this. I just received another rejection and I was bummed out my entire day. If they would just say why, we could look at that and solve it.

    You are a fine writer. The Universe has called you to write. What a wonderful gift. Many cannot even form a story in their heads.

    As my dear friend told me when I was first rejected, those who are meant to read your works - will. Nothing else matters.

    Keep writing.