When Poetry (or Poet) Goes Wrong *Part 2

Infidelity from the Fence

Ticking, fingernails on glass
Impatiently counting every second
Spilling from bounteous buckets
Moments sloshing against sides slick
Pain, hope, pride tango like
Sticky webbing in air clinging to
Itself, a disturbing blanket
Enfolding in warmth so heated
It begins to burn

Fingernails tapping on glass
Impatient yet waiting- quiet seconds
Spilling thoughts like a toddler's juice
Moments with painfully stale love
Cigarette fog clouds unheated
Pillow talk tumbles hollow
Burning blanket of desire turns to ash
Left untended in chill morning air
Is blown by wind
Is this better or worse? Did I just make superficial changes or do my changes add something? Leave me your thoughts. I am thinking about cutting most of the lines and doing a complete overhaul but hoping I don't come to that decision. Some people tell me it didn't need much work in the first place...

Working on it,


No comments:

Post a Comment